1 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:12,221 Let's go, Sam! We don't have all day! 2 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:15,015 - Okay, you literally have eternity. - Oh, that's right. 3 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,310 Thank you for reminding me of my endless purgatory. 4 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:20,062 Morning, Sam. 5 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,606 Oh. Hey! Who's this cute little guy? 6 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,809 This is my son David. Uh, hope it's okay. My wife's out of town for a few days. 7 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,904 Ugh. Why are the good ones always married? 8 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:31,198 - And alive? - Hurtful. 9 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,992 Well, we're very happy to have you, David. Welcome to the team. 10 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,136 Should I put him on my crew? 11 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,222 - Think he's too young to hold a hammer? - Are you mad? 12 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,498 Children under seven aren't suitable for hard labor. 13 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,750 - Pirate! - Pirate? 14 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,503 I was a delegate of the second continental congress. 15 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:47,923 - Pirate! - Damn my ruffled colonial garb. 16 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:51,134 Uh, there's nothing there, buddy, but I love your imagination. 17 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,804 And he's off. 18 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,889 Hang on, that kid can see you? 19 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:59,434 Yeah. It's rare, but occasionally, young children can see ghosts. 20 00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,436 Sometimes, when child has imaginary friend, 21 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,646 is actual ghost. 22 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,107 Other times, kid just crazy. 23 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,752 Once, a sweet little girl saw my arrow and called me a monster. 24 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,570 - Oh. - But it's okay. What am I gonna do? 25 00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:12,364 Cry myself to sleep? For weeks? 26 00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:13,991 - Got him. - Oh, great. 27 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,474 Well, we'll be back soon. We're just gonna take a quick walk. 28 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,538 As in the royal we. 29 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:23,584 Here we go, and we are going outside. 30 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,262 How many of those steps did we get today, Sam? 31 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,763 Only 3,000. 32 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,741 Not pointing any fingers, but Hetty was really dragging. 33 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,018 Well, excuse me for dying in heels. 34 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,812 Plus, I did not sleep. You know I suffer from nerves. 35 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,665 At least when I was alive, I could take laudanum. 36 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:46,690 What's laudanum? 37 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,942 It's a simple mixture of alcohol and morphine. 38 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:50,485 You should try it, Samantha. 39 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,946 Oh, sure, I'll pick some up next time I'm at the alchemist. 40 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,866 Well, I didn't always require such elixirs. 41 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,492 When I was a little girl, 42 00:01:57,576 --> 00:02:00,871 an angel-voiced servant would sing me to sleep. 43 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,247 Some footman or Butler. 44 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:05,083 His name was Gordon. I was there, as ghost. 45 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,836 I think you're right. It may have been Gordon. 46 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,273 I don't know. We paid them so we didn't have to remember their names. 47 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,298 Hey! 48 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,550 There's a strange jalopy in the driveway. 49 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,677 - Who's that? - Landship! 50 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:16,845 All right. 51 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,305 We know, baby. 52 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,848 We know. 53 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:22,976 Hey, Sam. 54 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,311 This is Todd Pearlman, 55 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,772 and he's, uh... he's some kind of historian. 56 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,440 Historian? 57 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,902 Well, I think we know where this is going. 58 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,404 Welcome, Todd. What brings you to our house? 59 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,907 Uh, have you ever heard of alberta haynes? 60 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,700 -What? —step aside, Isaac. 61 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,577 The name rings a bell. 62 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:43,205 Alberta haynes was a singer, a wonderful singer. 63 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,165 Tell us something we don't know. 64 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:47,959 Believe it or not, she died right here in this house. 65 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,712 Someone died in this house? I'm shocked. 66 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:52,023 I'm actually writing a book 67 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,007 on alberta's life and career. 68 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,218 What? A book about me? 69 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,886 Did you hear that, Isaac? 70 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,262 Well, come on in and sit down. 71 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,181 Oh, sorry for the mess. 72 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,618 We're in the middle of turning the house into a bed-and-breakfast. 73 00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,852 Sam, stay on topic. Me. 74 00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:09,064 So, uh, you study singers? 75 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,607 Jazz musicians, yes. 76 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,651 But alberta is my specialty. 77 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,071 I'm actually the head curator of the alberta haynes museum 78 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,614 in altoona, Pennsylvania. 79 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,991 Wow, there's a whole museum about you, alberta. 80 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,994 - Oh! Died. I just died again. - Who's the nerd? 81 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,497 He is historian who's not here to study Isaac. 82 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,623 Thank you, Thor! 83 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,500 Her life story is an inspiration. 84 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:31,336 I mean, born in Tulsa to Jamaican parents... 85 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,130 - Mm, tell it. - As a young woman, 86 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,048 she came to Harlem during the great migration 87 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:39,010 with nothing but a dream in her heart and a boatload of talent. 88 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:41,430 Can we record this? Whip out that damn iPhone, Sam. 89 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,807 Oh, she sounds like an incredible person. 90 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,225 Sam, ask him about my murder. 91 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,727 Oh, no, not this again. 92 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,937 How exactly did alberta die? 93 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,482 Oh, her death is hotly debated amongst academics. 94 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,068 I mean, the official cause was a cardiac event, 95 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,529 but, between you and me, 96 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,156 I've always suspected foul play. 97 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,951 I told you all I was too important to die of a heart attack. 98 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,512 Well, if you're excited about being murdered, 99 00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,537 I am excited for you. 100 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,913 Who would want to kill her? 101 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,248 Mm, it's hard to say. 102 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,833 I mean, someone as... 103 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,919 - Beautiful and as talented as alberta... - Oh. 104 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,755 Would attract many rivals. 105 00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:17,090 Genius. Mwah! This man is a genius. 106 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:21,470 Oh, Sam, tell Todd my old trunk's upstairs if he wants to look at it. 107 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:24,222 You know, I-I just remembered something. 108 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,348 Upstairs, 109 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:29,478 there's this trunk. It's full of stuff that seems like it's from the '203. 110 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:32,814 So maybe that could belong to this alberta person. 111 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:35,275 "This alberta person"? 112 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:37,861 Girl, like we ain't besties. 113 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,571 Ooh, you so good. 114 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:42,699 Wow. 115 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,744 Sheet music, letters, moonshine, a mink scarf. 116 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,747 That is a handsome trunk. 117 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,081 Handsome and heavy. 118 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:53,168 I remember lugging that thing over from the motel the night I performed. 119 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,252 You didn't stay here? 120 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,797 Oh, no, wasn't allowed, 'cause, you know, racism. 121 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,132 - Ah. - Well, if it helps, I don't see color. 122 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,843 Literally. It cost me several games of risk. 123 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,638 This is a treasure trove. 124 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,557 I'm gonna need a good amount of time to get through these materials. 125 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,351 Well, uh, take all the time you need, Todd. 126 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,269 I don't want to impose, but... 127 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,064 Would you consider allowing me to stay the night? 128 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,900 You said this place was a b and b, correct? 129 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,444 Well, yeah, but it's—it's not exactly open yet. 130 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,029 Well, I could be your first guest. 131 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,299 You know what, Todd, uh, the rooms, they're not really ready. 132 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,117 Uh, we haven't even started picking out those tiny little soaps. 133 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,161 I don't need any of that fancy stuff. 134 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:31,540 - I mean, this room is fine. - Wait, hold up. This is my room. 135 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,041 I can give you $500. 136 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,419 Welcome to the woodstone bed-and-breakfast. 137 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,675 Time for afternoon walk! 138 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,052 Oh, hadn't you heard? Afternoon walk's been canceled. 139 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,679 - Why? - Well, apparently, 140 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:49,015 this bearded historian fellow is spending the night. 141 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,226 Samantha and alberta are busy tending to him. 142 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:54,062 Okay, so we go together. Just the two of us. 143 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,564 You and me? Alone? 144 00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:58,191 - Yes! - Yes, but th... 145 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,610 That wouldn't be the walking crew, now would it? 146 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,654 Give us a chance to catch up. We never talk. 147 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,990 Right. We never do. That is a true thing you're saying. 148 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:07,951 I am free, you are free. We both love walking. 149 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,119 Also true statements. 150 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,912 So really no reason not to proceed. 151 00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:13,623 - Yes, I'm having trouble thinking of one. - Will be fun. 152 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:14,708 - Okay! - Yes! 153 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:15,792 Let's go! 154 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,210 - Together! - Oh, god. 155 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,880 Friendship! 156 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:24,009 We have a stranger in our house, and-and I think it feels weird. 157 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:26,136 Jay, that's sort of what running a b and b is. 158 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:29,055 I mean, I understand it, theoretically, but now that it's happening, 159 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,265 it just... it feels weird. 160 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,850 Well, I think it's gonna be fun. 161 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,184 It's a dry run. 162 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,854 This is a chance for us to prove to ourselves we can do this. 163 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,189 You guys are gonna be great. The main thing is 164 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,959 you want to get in good with the travel agents. 165 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:43,028 Little secret. We basically run the whole hospitality game. 166 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,405 Pete, travel agents don't really exist anymore. 167 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,924 - What? - Yeah, people just kind of book 168 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,283 their own travel now. 169 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,244 But they don't have the contacts, the personal relationships. 170 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,622 They don't know who to fax. 171 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:55,665 Hey. 172 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,876 I didn't pack for an overnight, obviously. 173 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,837 So, would I be able to borrow some pajamas? 174 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,591 Sure. Yeah. Jay can lend you a t-shirt and some pajama bottoms. 175 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,301 - W hat? - Cool. 176 00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,178 Oh, and also, if I don't eat soon... 177 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,305 We're gonna have a problem. 178 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:13,683 I'm hypoglycemic, so it's kind of urgent. 179 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,518 We will definitely fix something up for you. 180 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,103 Thanks. 181 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:20,649 He wants to put his junk in myjam-jams? 182 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,359 Jay, this is running a b and b. 183 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,337 This is what separates us from the hotels of the world. 184 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,363 People expect a personal touch. 185 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,490 Something personal's getting touched all right. 186 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,493 Can you focus? What do we have that we can cook Todd? 187 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,721 There's nothing in the fridge. We got to go to the market. 188 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,247 We don't have time for that. Uh, just... 189 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,792 Here. Cook him this. 190 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,920 This chicken expires today. 191 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,131 Those dates are just to make you throw stuff away 192 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:47,092 and buy more. I wrote a whole article on this. 193 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,718 It's a scam by big chicken. 194 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,053 - Big chicken? - Yeah. 195 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,930 So stop acting like one and just cook it. 196 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:54,891 Damn, girl. I love that wordplay. 197 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,411 Okay, there's weather in Chicago and you need a same-day change 198 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:58,812 to a plane ticket. What do you do? 199 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,814 It's a button on your phone. I'm sorry, Pete. 200 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:01,982 Jiminy. 201 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:07,946 You know, it sort of feel 202 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:09,715 like Thor doing all the work in conversation. 203 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,534 I tell seal story. I tell salmon story. 204 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:16,830 - I tell other salmon story... - I'm gonna level with you, thorfinn. 205 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:20,458 You and I, we get along fine, but we are not 206 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:23,545 "hang out alone together outside the group" type friends. 207 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,671 And that's okay. 208 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,632 But we used to be closer. 209 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,718 What are you talking about? 210 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,761 Nothing. 211 00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,848 Nothing at all. Just... 212 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,641 Return home in silence. 213 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:38,727 That is a good idea. 214 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:43,690 Sort of like salmon returning home to spawning ground in springtime. 215 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:47,569 - Which reminds me of third salmon story. - Maybe we can walk a little faster. 216 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,196 There was a bear and a badger... 217 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,494 Okay, that's, like, the fifth time he's sniffed your coat. 218 00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,498 Clearly, there's something off about this fellow. 219 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,248 The man is an academic. 220 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:01,666 He's just looking for clues. 221 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,753 See, this is how you connect with history. 222 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,838 Hey, Todd. Uh, we brought you a fresh towel. 223 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,966 And some regular-sized soap. I'm so sorry about that. 224 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,510 - Thank you for that delicious chicken. - Hmm. 225 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:15,513 Did you know that alberta's father was actually a chef, too? 226 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,600 Yeah, her family lived above the restaurant he worked in. 227 00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,769 Ah, daddy could slay the stove. 228 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:24,189 He should've had his own restaurant, but, again, racism. 229 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,000 Thank you for letting me stay. It's... 230 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:28,777 It's, like, a six-hour drive back to altoona. 231 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,213 What made you choose altoona as the location for the museum? 232 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:34,741 Must be a new music city. A 21st century New Orleans, no doubt. 233 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,010 Well, actually, 234 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,660 the museum is in my garage. 235 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,163 Ah, as all the best museums are. 236 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,499 Technically, it's... my mom's garage. 237 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,459 Oh, you live with your mom. 238 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:45,627 That makes sense. 239 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,254 Well, academics are often underpaid. 240 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,423 Just wait till his book comes out. 241 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,008 So when does your book come out? 242 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,469 Oh, it's planned for a summer release. 243 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,513 But, really, whenever. 244 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,264 That's the beauty of self-publishing. 245 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,767 - Bro, that's not even a real book. - Come on, Todd. 246 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,686 Hey, do you want to see something from my, uh... 247 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,438 Personal alberta collection? 248 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:08,191 - Yes. - I carry it with me everywhere. 249 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,236 It's my most prized possession. 250 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:12,737 Oh, god, what is this gonna be? 251 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:14,489 Voila. 252 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,533 Sorry, what am I looking at here, Todd? 253 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,451 It's alberta's toenail. 254 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,205 Oh, hell no! Uh-uh! 255 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,968 Out of my room. I want him out of my room. 256 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,709 - Why do you have that? - What is wrong with you, Todd? 257 00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:29,003 I got it online. 258 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,148 Really nothing you can't get on there. 259 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,841 Still, why? 260 00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:35,677 You know, in Jurassic park, when they clone all those dinosaurs 261 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,137 from just a little bit of blood? 262 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,722 Well, maybe I could, one day, 263 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,934 make an alberta from just a little bit of nail. 264 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,602 Dare to dream, Todd. 265 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,938 Who knows? Maybe we'd end up together. 266 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,941 No, we would not! Oh, god. The hell we would. 267 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:52,110 - Well... - Oh. 268 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,156 Time to hit the shower. 269 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,075 Oh! 270 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,451 My... god! 271 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:03,079 Oh. No! 272 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,747 No. Oh, god. 273 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,500 No. Oh, don't make me hate my own face. 274 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,419 Todd, you creepy nut. 275 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,757 Well, look at it this way, from here on out, 276 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,760 all our other guests are gonna seem normal in comparison. 277 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,346 I don't think I can handle any other guests after Todd. 278 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,366 I mean, do you really think we're cut out for this? 279 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,642 - Not with that attitude. - Are you serious? 280 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,895 We turned our entire lives upside down, 281 00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:29,439 and you want to bail after one difficult guest? 282 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,732 One difficult guest? 283 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:33,210 That's like saying Charles manson was one difficult neighbor. 284 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,914 Look, he's not dangerous. He's just weird. 285 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,197 And he's only gonna be here for another couple hours. 286 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,282 We need to find a better way to vet our guests. 287 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,243 Oh, like some sort of licensed go-between, perhaps? 288 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,996 Oh, if he could hear me, that would have been a powerful rejoinder. 289 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:49,500 Sam, I couldn't sleep a wink last night. 290 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,836 Just haunted by my own face. 291 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,632 Oh, alberta, I'm sorry. It's awful. Nobody is happy about it. 292 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,800 Good morning, everyone! 293 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,719 Greetings and salutations. 294 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,763 Almost nobody. 295 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:06,226 Alberta, you're down here. I could've sworn I just saw you upstairs. 296 00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:07,685 Ha-ha. I get it, Isaac. 297 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:14,567 No, I'm sorry. That was merely your visage on a 35-year-old man's back. 298 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,778 My mistake! 299 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:17,987 I said I get it! 300 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,074 You happy now? 301 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,329 Shh, shh. 302 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,165 Nap time, little one. 303 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,667 Shh. 304 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,961 Is okay. 305 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,546 J“ sweet little baby j“ 306 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,882 j“ drift off to sleep j“ 307 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,968 j“ dream of stabbing Danish men j“ 308 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,178 j“ laughing while they weep j“ 309 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,972 j“ when you are a warrior j“ 310 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,140 j“ you'll be strong and tall j“ 311 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,308 j“ you'll pillage j“ 312 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,977 j“ villages, slit men's throats j“ 313 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,100 j“ and bash their heads j“ 314 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,021 j“ against the wall j“ 315 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,358 there you go, Hetty. 316 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,235 There you go. 317 00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,237 Yes. 318 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,698 There you go, David. 319 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,825 Drift off into the Netherlands, 320 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,745 into the dream realms, burning ships, 321 00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:09,497 sieging villages. 322 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,587 Listen, uh, I was just having fun. 323 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:17,839 I apologize. 324 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,341 - I'm sorry. - Yeah, well, I probably had it coming. 325 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:24,012 Look, I know I wasn't famous in my day, 326 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,307 but when Todd showed up, for a second, I thought, 327 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:31,602 "wow, the world remembers alberta haynes." 328 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,730 But the truth is, the only one who remembers me 329 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,108 is some creepy weirdo with a jar full of toenails. 330 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,235 Child, that's my legacy. 331 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,655 To be fair, it was just the one toenail. 332 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:46,326 It's not just about Todd. 333 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,209 You know, my daddy couldn't achieve his dreams 334 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,830 because the world held him back. 335 00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,583 But he always told me I could. 336 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,376 That's why I wanted to be a star, 337 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:58,212 so that his struggle would have been worth it. 338 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,381 I guess I failed him. 339 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:05,595 Hi. Uh, have you guys seen Sam? 340 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,388 It's Todd. I think he's dying. 341 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,075 Oh, my god. 342 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,352 What is happening? Did anybody see anything? 343 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,079 That-that's e. Coli face. That's the chicken. 344 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,355 Can you not? Call 911. 345 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:18,775 - What is he talking about? The chicken? - Look, we fed him some chicken that was 346 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,859 at its expiration date. 347 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,195 Sam, those dates are on there for a reason. 348 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,155 Guys, he looks really sick. 349 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,407 If he dies, he could become a ghost, 350 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,785 and I'm not spending eternity with my stalker. 351 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,305 Yeah, and I'm not sharing a room with him. We're doing a rotation thing. 352 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,747 W-Wait. Okay, wait. 353 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,083 What percentage of people who die become ghosts? 354 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:38,169 It's actually fairly low. I would say... Mm, like, maybe five percent? 355 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,731 - —That's not that high. - Are you willing to take that risk, Sam? 356 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,358 'Cause, remember, he's gonna become your problem, too. 357 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,360 - What do we do? - We need to get him off the property. 358 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,427 Okay! I called an ambulance. They're on their way. 359 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,073 Jay, you're not gonna like this, but we have to drag him off the property. 360 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:50,098 - —What? - Mm-hmm. 361 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:51,825 We cannot let him die here. He could become a ghost 362 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,267 and we'd be stuck with him forever. 363 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:55,151 You mean invisible Todd, roaming the hallways, 364 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,230 collecting everyone's toenails? I do not like that. 365 00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:58,773 - None of us do. - Okay, okay, 366 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,234 but how are the two of us gonna carry him? 367 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,175 I did not sign up for this. 368 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,368 I-I need a break. This is too hard. 369 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,245 Uh-uh! Come on! No breaks! 370 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,746 You'll sleep when you're dead. 371 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,870 - Why do we sleep? - We just do! 372 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,155 Let's go! Let's move this body. 373 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,962 Well, he's not technically a body yet. 374 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,085 You're gonna be okay, Todd. The paramedics are here. 375 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,508 - Hey. - Why is he out here? 376 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,871 You're not supposed to move him. 377 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,928 Sorry. We were just trying to help. 378 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,347 You're gonna be fine, Todd. 379 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,432 Ooh! 380 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,936 I really hope we didn't kill him. 381 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,021 - W hat? - Nothing. 382 00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,696 It was you. 383 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,323 You sang to me. 384 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,243 Yes. Uh, tried to teach you to say "thorfinn," 385 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:56,622 but eventually decide "Gordon" pretty cute. 386 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,126 All these years, 387 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,794 why didn't you say something? 388 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:05,715 Well, I always assume, after you die, you remember me. 389 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,176 Excited to say hi, catch up, old times. 390 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:12,221 But instead it seem you more have terror 391 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:16,184 of Thor and a lot of saying my pelts smell bad. 392 00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,315 You were so sweet to me, 393 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,193 and I have just been awful. 394 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:28,070 Thor get it. Pelts do smell. 395 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,699 Used to soak them in wolf urine to ward off bear. 396 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:35,244 You were there for me when no one else was. 397 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,038 Thank you. 398 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,999 Gordon miss Hetty. 399 00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,627 Welcome back. 400 00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,045 Mmm. 401 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,339 Oh. Yeah, that is quite pungent. 402 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,134 I just got off the phone with the hospital. 403 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:51,385 He's gonna be okay. 404 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:53,930 Oh, we didn't kill our first guest. 405 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,431 How 'bout those livings, 406 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,017 trying to carry that creepy Todd out on that blanket? 407 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,019 Hey, hey, who am I? 408 00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,271 "Oh, no, this is too heavy. I need to take a nap." 409 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,648 I didn't say that! 410 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,316 - —Yes. - Yes, you did. 411 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:08,110 - "Expiration dates are a hoax." - Oh, very funny. 412 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,274 Y'all, stop trying to make me laugh. I'm still upset. 413 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,322 Sam, be honest. 414 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:14,051 Would it help my chances if I got your face tattooed on my back? 415 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,094 - Please don't do that. - Ah. See? 416 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,162 This right here, this is what it's all about. 417 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,539 These little moments. 418 00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,582 These are the things we're all gonna remember. 419 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,393 No, shut up, Pete. 420 00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:24,835 - You ruined it. - Whomp! 421 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:27,713 What is going on? 422 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,466 Oh, the ghosts are throwing down some newfound wisdom. 423 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,678 Oh, boy. Last time that happened, our gazebo burned down. 424 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,805 They're saying the moments you really remember 425 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,516 are the ones you spend with the people you love. 426 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,643 Look, running the b and b will be hard, 427 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,728 but at least we get to do it together. 428 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,331 Remember, when we were back in the city, 429 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,941 we worked so many hours, we barely saw each other. 430 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,277 I know. We're really lucky to get to do this. 431 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,987 And I'm sorry. I just... 432 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,822 I kind of freaked out a little. 433 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,492 - —Was it the toenail? - It wasn't not the toenail. 434 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,119 Right. 435 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,372 My buddy Neal just sent me a link. 436 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,916 "Woodstone mansion is blowing up." 437 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,960 - Currently? - Oh! Run for your lives! 438 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,837 To the cholera pit! It's the safest place! 439 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,130 Just relax, everybody. 440 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,233 That's an Internet term. 441 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:14,427 - It sometimes is a good thing. - Oh. Never mind. 442 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:18,264 Oh, please be a good thing. Please be a good thing. 443 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,516 Oh, my god. It's Todd. 444 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,893 An exciting morning here at Hudson valley memorial, 445 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:26,814 where a visiting jazz historian nearly died after being poisoned. 446 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,399 Can you tell us what happened? 447 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:31,277 Well, I was staying at the woodstone bed-and-breakfast... 448 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,571 - Oh, no. - We're finished. 449 00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:36,532 When I discovered a very old bottle of moonshine. 450 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,658 So I drank from it. 451 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:39,368 Why would you do that? 452 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:43,247 I'm a curator and collector of all things relating to jazz legend alberta haynes, 453 00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:44,749 and I have reason to believe 454 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,877 that she was the very last person to drink from it. 455 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,421 And I wanted to put my lips where hers had been. 456 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:51,922 Okay. 457 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:54,884 So it turns out the bottle had poison in it? 458 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,136 Yes, I spoke to the doctors, and they informed me 459 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:58,459 they believe it was strychnine. 460 00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:01,599 I've often assumed that alberta was murdered by a jealous rival. 461 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,684 And now I know I was probably right. 462 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,996 - Back to you, Jerry. - You know what this means? 463 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:09,357 - This means we didn't almost kill Todd. - Todd almost killed Todd. 464 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,025 You know what this also means? 465 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,610 I was murdered. 466 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,195 Oh, yeah, look at you. 467 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,531 Hey, babe? Babe, look at this. This has, like, 50,000 views already. 468 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,158 W-Wait, 50,000? 469 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,701 What do you mean, "views"? 470 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,620 What is views? Is that people? 471 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,538 - Yeah. - Check out these comments. 472 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,182 A lot of "this guy's a creep," but, also, there's a ton of people 473 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,009 just saying really nice things about alberta. 474 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:32,254 "Just listened to her album. She's incredible. 475 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,465 How did I never hear of her before?" 476 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,677 Daddy would be proud. 477 00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:43,599 J“ because I'm famous! J“ 478 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,186 Ooh! Look at them numbers going up! 479 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,604 55,000. 480 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,272 Ooh! 56,000! 481 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,942 Oh, child, I could watch this all day! 482 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,277 Ooh, ooh, ooh. Sam, Sam, Sam. 483 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,405 What's the record? Is it me? 484 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:01,367 Oh, god, Todd. I love you, you freaky bastard! 485 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,328 You did it! 486 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:06,706 - And she's back. - Alberta haynes, honey! 487 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,958 Ma rainey who? Billie Holiday where? 488 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,459 Buster Smith what? 489 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,713 It's about alber—ta haynes! 490 00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:24,849 J“ sweet little baby, drift off to sleep j“ 491 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,892 j“ dream of stabbing Danish men j“ 492 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,644 j“ laughing while they weep j“ 493 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,354 No, it's creepy at this age. 494 00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:33,524 Thor feel it, too. Very weird, yeah.